I wanted it to rain today so I’d feel better about staying closed up in here and away from everything, but it never did. Instead I just laid with that apology and the associated shame on the bed staring up at the ceiling and letting it wash over until it was done. Sometime after the light started to fade I forced myself up and walked into the bathroom and rubbed the streaks off and found the keys. How much money do you suppose we left out there? $4.12? $3.31?

I went out to get the sangria that I knew somehow yesterday I’d need today. I noticed the birds were flying awfully high tonight, and remembered the meteor we watched split and burn up in the atmosphere early this morning.

I can still feel that on my fingertips. I can still see it there in the dark. Anything beyond that and I just feel plainly and painfully ignorant. Your fingerprints still all over me.

On my way to get the sangria I drove parallel to an especially fiery sunset I just wanted to turn toward drive straight into and follow down.

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Smoothing and hanging up linen pants. Buttoning and hanging up silk shirts. Listening with the windows open and the seventy-degree setting sun throbbing against the glass. Eyeing the old, rusty, step-side pickup across the street. Thinking about a buddy of mine, and how when I was Ryan’s age my mom and I used to talk about buying a big yellow school bus and gutting it, rebuilding it into some ridiculous, I thought at the time, over-sized camper and driving off to live in the weeds and wilderness like the Robinsons. Wondering how many of the things I always said I’d do, I’ll do.

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“Sarah’s drunk, and I’m making popcorn.”

-me

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In my life there are no definitive lines, only vague and tempting periphery. No one true way, only periodic evidence of leitmotif. No overriding expectation, only water moving. Air circulating. No certainty. Only possibility.

This would explain.

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I remember that night.

“Yes, 9 hours total. Through city through desert through mountains, to Nevada’s interior, along its western edge, teased into California for a little while and then out and back up again. In the jeep, at night, with cameras, radio, anticipation and a bag with a greasy cheeseburger in it on the seat beside me. A brief moment of panic while skidding through the deep, dark wilderness about to run out of gas, but I made it. Because God Bless Nevada and its tacky way of throwing up a casino and gas station in the middle of no-mans-land. And although I saw what I thought I came to see, there was something else I missed. But 30 miles is nothing, when you consider how far you’ve traveled already.”

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